I just saw a hot homeless man
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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