i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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