he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
