Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
