I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
