Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
