I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
