WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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