last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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