I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
