I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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