So gin and wine won't be happening again
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
