"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
