I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
