She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
