i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
