Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you never un-have a 4some
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
