i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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