I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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