I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
