A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Randomize
