none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think I won the penis lottery.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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