I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
