It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
