Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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