I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
