but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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