Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
