Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
