I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
