Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
