a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
