Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
