I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
