Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
