No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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