My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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