worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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