That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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