You just made me feel so damn special
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
