HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
