I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
