my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
