I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
