did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
