I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
