His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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