Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
True college students do jello shots in the library
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
