So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
