seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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